The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 23. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. 266. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Life always offers you a second chance. Its time to be much more intentional about the words that we tell ourselves and take a step back from all of lifes noise. Art doesnt transform. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. My mistakes dont define me. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. 6. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. 89. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 190. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? East. 187. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Ben Hogan. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 5. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. I love living in my unique female body. 42. 146. 46. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. 197. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Sam Levenson. Chris Rock Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 3. Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. - Jeffrey Gitomer. 34. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. 194. 45. A backbone. 165. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. I am so f*cking awesome. 113. Make it inspiring. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 132. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Its scary when it disappears. Franklin Jones, 259. 3. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 200. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 65. 196. Once youve chosen one of our affirmations or devised your own, its time to put it into practice. 175. 181. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. For beginners who still struggle with letting their voice out, I recommend starting with funny affirmations that will relax you and make you laugh. 251. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Leave me a if you agree! The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. I always find something funny in every situation. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Not everyone has to like me. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. What do I do for a living? 189. I overcome fears by following my dreams. 124. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. Decomposing. 8. 249. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. You were too lazy to read that number. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. - Bob Hope. The rest are too expensive. We'll get to that later. I just go normal from time to time. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. You wanna know who Im in love with? 116. It makes them so damned mad. Theres no stopping me now. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. 134. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. Live life to the fullest. What do you call a bear with no teeth? I am grateful for all that I have. 235. You never run out of things that can go wrong. I see food, and I eat it. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. 1. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. Oh sheet! I am intelligent. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. - Catherine Pulsifer. Billy Wilder. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. 3. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Steven Alexander Wright Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. Funny Friday Quotes. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . Honolulu, its got everything. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. 16. Please do your own research before making any online purchase. Nothing, they just waved. 35. All you need is love. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 22. 205. "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 12. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. "Today will be a great day". An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 20. 138. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Bill Murray The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 149. 64. 44. 276. I am on a seafood diet. 218. If only common sense were more common. Roy Lichtenstein Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Jackie Collins I did it! 237. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. 31. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. 140. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Good morning! Steven Alexander Wright. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. 147. What is Mozart doing right now? Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Say "Thank you" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of GratitudeIntro Speech by Denzel Washington (Commencement Speech)Main speech by Fearless Soul "Tha. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. 101. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. 169. When life closes a door, just open it again. Erma Bombeck. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. I am calm, patient and at peace. I choose to stop obsessing about my body. 128. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Here is a list for you that has all the funny affirmations: I am making myself laugh every time I say any sarcastic word. 155. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. grateful. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. I get it nowIm single because Im a superhero., See also: 140 Single Quotes For Instagram Celebrating Single Life. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. 15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Let me know in the comments section down below! I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 105. Alright, get in the basket. 5. 168. Happiness is a choice. Czech proverb I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. Its scary when it disappears. I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. 3. Never let anyone waste your time twice. 178. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 66. 99. 186. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 58. 4. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Not everyone has good taste. 72. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. Learn sign language, its very handy. I breathe in and out. 278. Paul Ehrlich, 241. 43. Im gonna be worse., 12. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? I dont want to fix my spending habits. Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 90. 125. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. 272. Frances McDormand 234. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Your habits become your values. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. Edward A. Murphy 28. 148. 4. Ann Landers When you leave work on Friday, leave work. Albert Einstein, 190. I intend to live forever. 8. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. 68. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Bill Murray, 257. Remember that the effects of affirmations are no laughing matter, so make sure your voice is heard. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". 11. P.D. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Go to bed with satisfaction.". I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. 6. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? Because they make up everything. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. In the morning, I cant get up. We have a connection. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Microchips. 35. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . 1. 136. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. Sometimes the M is silent. Steve Martin no rich foods. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 76. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Cindy from Marzahn. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 116. I never apologize. Never ask a starfish for directions. What is the tallest building in the entire world? I love my job only when Im on vacation. 6. 112. Run. 109. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 30. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Wonderwoman: single. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. Alison Boulter Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Bill Murray, 258. A backbone. 1. In the morning, I cant get up. Emphasis on the cool. 123. 6. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. 178. 77. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy.

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