Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). Its not just a place to go party. Its a him issue. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. I have one. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. Im so sorry, Emma. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. When does his flight land? This is bound to make them curious and excited. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. You just have to stop a lot--especially if you EBF. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. Shopping! And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Most of them. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. My mother too. Having a neutral third party is really useful. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. It is ideally set up to host conferences. I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. Eating a meal? Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. He does worry about my safety. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Wow. How does he handle that? Its natural to want to care for your partner. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. Theres like 1 hour of down time. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Nail on head, right here. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. is a really good sign! He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. There are some really great desert trails out there! A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. Do you want to go? Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. I dont worry about it because why would i? And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. Contributors control their own work and . The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. Yeah. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. In that case, marriage counseling is great. Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! Forbidding is a different story). We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. 8 1 11 1. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. If I wanted to put on pants and walk across the casino I would just eat at a casino floor restaurant instead of ordering deliverywhich Im sure explains their policy more than security concerns! (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). There are many issues at play here. Maybe Im wrong. Embarrassing Family Photos Make It Hard To Look Away I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. *offers you an internet hug*. And so on. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. Either way, the poster is mimicking them in an exaggerated way in order to make them appear more foolish and unreasonable than they would if portrayed accurately. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. They always ended up going to what one of them called armpit towns. Even if they went someplace cool, they rarely had time to do anything ever. Close Menu. Thanks. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. Its definitely a huge red flag that your husband takes a winky tongue-in-cheek ad campaign that seriously. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". You (and a therapist) would know better. A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. walk. Friend: Uh-huh. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work.

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